This is not a tale about sex: it is a tale of longing. Of playing a waiting game. Waiting until he is ready, I am ready.

Maybe I have fallen in love with him. Maybe I fall in love with all of them just a little bit. He FaceTimes me before bed and I go to sleep feeling warm and wanted for the first time in years.  I feel like the bleakness of January is melting away and I have something to look forward to.

Yes –  his mouth has been on my pussy. Yes – his hands have grabbed and held me tight. Yes I have fallen asleep next to him in a single bed. Yes – he has shown me how to grip his shaft tightly the way he likes it.

Everything feels different; is different. I am trying to play it cool. I have deleted his number over 20 times but he still calls and I give up trying to play it cool.

It is what it is.

I lie alone with my vibrator and press it into my cunt on the highest setting. I think about his fingers there too. I think about him watching me.