It takes me about a week to realise that I am in fact living out the fantasy of the protagonist in the Miranda July novel All Fours.

I am living in my friends flat instead of my own house for an unspecified amount of time, sleeping in her bed, being in a different environment, sometimes borrowing her perfume…ok her clothes.

I am living a life I’d like to live having wiped the slate clean of the past. But I am incredibly horny: I forgot that as soon as you have sex again, you want more. I am terrible at flirting in real life yet as I walk back from the market with a bag of sausages and eggs, I realise I am lusting after anything male that I pass. The preppy guy walking with a satchel on the pavement opposite, the gardener blowing leaves from the bath with long dreadlocks, the builder in the van. My cunt twitches as I walk back to the flat.

I have two conversations with two different men on the app: one who wants a hotwife scenario with me despite already having a partner. His conversations from the beginning were red flaggy and I end up leaving the conversation with him despite the promise of a hotel next week. He keeps asking who else I have met, and I definitely don’t tell him that I subbed him out for the Canadian. even though he’d enjoy hearing about it. The second is an incongruous one with a guy much younger than me who wants to have sex while his partner shits, preferably from behind. He is incredibly handsome and almost twenty years younger so I keep looking at his profile pics, considering this for perhaps too long: the logistics, the location, the feeling and leave that conversation too. The first conversation I had was with a guy on the route to feminisation who wanted me to sign a contract. This is my leisure time sir, and that is not sexy.

I reflect on the week I have had: sex within four days of downloading the app, I have masturbated every day, I have two future dates lined up. Life is good.