Nurse Strangelove (or how I learned to stop worrying and give up swinging)

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Dating apps no longer did what they said on the tin and seemed to spew forth guys who just wanted to screw me, in more ways than one.

I was recommended a popular swinging site by three different unrelated guys – previous to that I’d been a casual browser on Craigslist personals and had some very interesting encounters, many of which have been documented here. And then I became an addict, but I got clean eventually.

I’d dabbled a toe in the unconventional already: garnering a very handsome boy who still texts to this day, an online-only mystery man who was obsessed with me, and a cross-dressing bisexual cowboy who also wanted repeat visits. I also nearly fucked a guy who wanted to pay me but that fell through, probably for the best.

So what made me sign up? I was incredibly keen to participate in a threesome, wanted to broaden my horizons and had frankly had enough of the faux politeness of the apps.

I had no idea what I might find. Little did I know I’d make friends, find a plumber and a baker and have some of the most liberating sexual experiences of my life. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

For the first time, I sold myself on body alone. No face pics, except when requested ahead of meeting. My profile was tits and ass. It sounds stupid but I was shocked to find myself in such demand. Like many sites, men outnumber women so you can choose who to interact with. So, the same as dating, you quickly weed out the ones who can’t spell or can only speak in expletives.

However – the magic of this site was there was no pre-amble, no clumsy seduction. Online at least – you’re there to fuck, so just get on with it. And there was a whole new language- a social was a “get to know you” drink. Do you “accom” meant you could fuck at theirs. A “meet” was a fuck. I felt more in control of my body, and who I gave it to for the first time in my life.

Reader, I had the most incredible sex from that site. The French guy who turned me upside down. The slave who let me spit in his face. The don who let me peg him while wearing a cock cage. And the guy who I still see now, once in a while. The threesome. The tantric massage.

What made me give up? The site became like any other – full of idiots and timewasters. Lots of people who wanted to fuck but never seemed to get around to it. I still get wank videos from the pornstar I never met.

So- what have I learnt? For the past two years I’ve used sex as an escape. And the blog too. I was trying to avoid facing up to something else which was really hurting me. I’ve only recently realised why : because sex was the only time I could be myself. I could let go. But that isn’t healthy at all. I’d become obsessed with having to be fucked every week. I would make excuses, leave work early or dash off to a guy in a hotel because my daily existence was sapping my life blood that I felt I had to.

Now I’m out of the other side, I’m not sure what’s next. Reader, dear reader you’ll be the first to know, I promise 💋

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