The New Yorker – Part One

I’d never posted an ad on Craiglist before. My friends told me it was a good way to meet girls with no strings. A quick fuck, no questions asked. If you were lucky, a few repeat visits. One of my mates had a long term fuckbuddy from there. It was time for me to experiment.

I’d always met girls through friends, or at parties, but for some reason I hadn’t had any action for quite a while. I was fucking horny.
I’m a little paranoid about posting stuff online. I don’t ever use Facebook and I don’t actually see the point of it. But needs must.
I took a full length photo – they call it a selfie now – with my dick stiff as a fishing rod poking out of my boxers. I’m pretty buff as they say, I thought it would attract anyone once they saw the size. I took the mick out of some of the other ads, to get girls on my side. I sat back and waited.
I didn’t get any legit replies. I was busy with work, and one thing and another – and forgot about it.

A week went by and out of the blue I got a response. An American woman, married with children but in the city for a week on business and keen on meeting. I felt a bit weird about it but she was older than me and that spiked my interest. She told me her hotel, the room number and sent a few pictures so I knew what she looked like. We’d agreed to meet in the bar early evening and then go up to her room.

The fact she was cheating played on my mind. What did that make me? The thought of meeting a stranger for sex, once it became real was too much for me. I’d never done it before. What if she hated me? Would it be awkward? I was at least ten years younger than her…. How would she feel, kiss, taste?

Reader, I bottled it.

I went out with some mates and tried to forget about her. She was too old. I had no experience of mature women, if I’m honest, not enough experience with women at all.
As the drinks went down, my bravado increased. I couldn’t believe I’d been such a pussy. At around 11pm when the lads were piling out of the pub, I was sat in a stall in the men’s room, texting her.
She was still up of course.


I entered the hotel through the revolving doors and tried to look like I was staying there. It was easy enough to figure out. Take the lift to the eighth floor, she’d said. Turn immediate left.

I stopped outside the door, 837. Adjusted my trousers, smoothed back my hair and knocked.
The door swung open. She stood, hand on one hip, wearing a white silk dressing gown, heels, suspenders, stockings and no bra.
I couldn’t speak. She looked incredible, unreal even. Much better than her pictures. My cock stiffened in my pants.
“Don’t just stand there staring, you’ve got work to do” she drawled, and pulled me inside.

Guest Banger: Cava Supernova

We asked one of our favourite sex bloggers @CavaSupernova to guest blog for us, seeing as we have quite the crush on her. Here she is on “general pervery” as she puts it.

Three ways to guarantee fun times with a bad girl

Pervy single girls are in high demand. Due to their rarity value, liberated women with a wild side get tons of come-ons, but just like cable TV, 99% of the offers received are complete garbage. Bangs & Whimpers will back me up on this, I’m sure.

Most rubbish messages are from crude, self-entitled idiots. But some are from potentially fun folk who’re just a bit misinformed. I don’t answer these either, though. I haven’t the time (or the inclination, If I’m honest. Google is your friend, wannabe pervs. Do your research).

Even worse than the “message numpties” are the people who seem normal and considerate, and then turn out to be total maniacs when you meet up with them. They’re rare, but they’re out there, ready to give you the worst evening of your life, if you give them the opportunity.

Are you of sound mind and looking for interesting encounters with deviant women? I’ve written an extensive guide to getting that kind of fun online on my blog.

In the interests of being helpful though, here are three additional things to consider when contacting / interacting with girls like me, and B+W. Assuming you’re not a Broadmoor-worthy mentalist, and you have your own teeth and hair, read these, take them on board and get in touch:

Men: Don’t assume she takes it up the arse
Guys, why do so many of you assume this? Why? Why? Why? Actually, I don’t want to know why, I just want you to stop it.

People who read my profile will find out instantly that I like (as in LOVE) submissive men who are into pegging. Blokes, I want you masturbating like a zoo monkey* while I take you up the arse with a fake cock slathered in silky lube. And then I want you thanking me with grateful tears in your eyes afterwards.
Do I want you returning the favour? No chance. Obviously, not all strumpets are into men who are submissive and/or enjoy pegging. But equally, not all strumpets are into anal. You might assume they are because of the type of porn you watch, but that assumption just makes you a bit of an idiot.

Some women enjoy backdoor sex, and some don’t. Don’t assume that pervy women do ‘because that’s what they’re like’. It makes them cross and it’ll make them block you.

Finding out is simple; read the profile. If their preference isn’t spelled out and it’s that important to you, then ask (politely, obv).
Just don’t assume. Thank you.

*Awesome phrase stolen from Blowjob Confessional

Women: Don’t assume she knows how to go down on you 
Vulvas are weird.
They’re great, but simultaneously terrifying. If your punani just lies there, inert and unresponsive, and splodged out like a deflated balloon, I’ll do my best with it, but I’m sure as hell not going to guarantee you’ll enjoy it.

And you know that bit where I ask you what you actually enjoy in that respect? That’s the bit where I appreciate an answer, rather than a load of eye rolling and tutting. (This actually happened. It was fucking mortifying)

One of the biggest assumptions going is that girls magically know what girls like and blokes know what blokes like. Not so.
Guys have different ideas of a great blow job, while women up the difficulty factor by throwing other ‘variables’ into the mix. Lady bits have uneven sensory nerve distribution, so what sends me to orgasm heaven is just as likely to leave you cold.

And then there’s the matter of anatomy – are you an innie or an out-ey? I’m an innie, so I’ve an idea what to do with them. I’m not so great with out-eys – I need direction. Add to the fact that some chicks like G spot stimulation too, others want a finger up their arse or maybe a butt plug, while others enjoy extra stimulation from the buzzing implements in their toybox, and
others prefer different configurations of all of the above… That being the case, how should I know what you like?

Talk to me! Please! Or at least equip me with a story, blog, or clip of the stuff you find hot. That’s a nice, simple, non-verbal way of communicating what you want without having to say it in actual, embarrassing words.

Couples: Don’t assume she’s an on-demand fucktoy.
Or that she knows what she’s doing (there’s a theme developing here, right?) Deviant chicks are not puppies. Ladies, if you “want to give my man a surprise for his birthday” don’t contact me, go to Pets At Home. There, you’ll find a cute, adorable creature delighted to frisk about with you and birthday boy – and at least this one won’t trigger a diplomatic incident when you see how much he likes stroking it.

OK, sounds facetious, but you MUST think about potential jealousy issues before you try stuff like this. A hell of a lot of people
don’t, then get the hump when they find out they’re starting to feel uncomfortable.

PS: If you do give this some thought, don’t issue directives at the third in the manner of an angry prison officer.
(“You will pleasure me but you will not be able to touch my boyfriend,” was one ‘charming’ message.)
You’ll just get blocked.

What’s the other problem with the puppy/birthday present thing? You’re imposing your fantasy, something that gets you hot, on someone you don’t even know. If that’s all you care about, fine. But you’ll get very few answers, if any.
If you have a highly specific fantasy in mind, take the emotion and time-consuming searching out of it and hire a professional with a threesome experience. There are plenty out there, and you’ll have a much smoother time of it with them, than you would with some stroppy third who’s slumped there with a face like a smacked arse and necking all your Bombay Sapphire because her needs aren’t being considered.

Not that I’ve ever been in that position, of course, I’m way too good a judge of character. Possibly.

Additionally, beginners, if you want someone to show you the ropes, replies will also be thin on the ground. Chicks like me don’t exist to offer tutorials; we want some fun too. I’ve even put “I’m a beginner” in my profile because I got sick of hassle from rookies who couldn’t be arsed to work out what they wanted.

If you’ve no idea what you want, get on Literotica or any number of porn sites, or Google stuff like “erotic threesome stories”. There’s no shortage of interesting ideas out there.

Here’s a blog post about a wicked threesome I had a few months back

It might give you some super-hot ideas, or it might leave you cold. Whether you love it or hate it, though, it proves the need to research what you might enjoy first.

In short, a threesome is about THREE adult humans exploring their fantasies together, and it goes right, it’s so worth the effort, trust me.

PS: Here’s a super-useful tip for single girls who end up staying over. Make sure the wife / girlfriend sleeps in between you and her other half. That way, there’s no chance of any latent jealousy issues occurring, or the husband rolling over in the night and accidentally grabbing you because he thinks you’re his missus. Etiquette matters, right? 😉

Thanks for reading, and thanks so much to the fabulous B+W for asking me to guest post.

I hope this has been helpful. Share your thoughts about online hook-ups in the Comments section, and if this has inspired you in any way, see you on the dark side.

For more deviant, irresponsible filth, check out my blog:

New Year, New Dick: Part Two

I bent down to it and took a closer look.
He was pretty hairless, had an outy belly button and huge smooth balls. His cock was longer than my handspan easily. The girth, the girth!
Very clean. smelt good.
“You can lick my balls if you like”
I laughed. I admired his cheek.
I started to lick them and he grunted, still holding his cock.
I ran my tongue up the shaft and swirled around the end. Gee whizz this was a toughie. I have a small mouth.
I started by licking all around the head, tasting his precum, getting a feel for the size. I didn’t gulp, but had this been a cartoon, the thought bubble would have been hanging over my head. I had a lot of work to do.
It felt like my mouth barely fitted around the end. If there was a prize for effort, I deserved it.
He’d said that no woman has managed to swallow it all down. Now I knew why. It was impossible.
I daydreamed whilst nuzzling on the end, enjoying his moans. I wondered how it would feel inside me. Would it hurt?
He hadn’t even touched me yet. But that was about to change.
I leaned forward and changed position, my tits hanging over his cock. I disentangled myself from my knickers.
He grabbed my chest, plunging his cock between my breasts and started rubbing it up and down. Somehow, with his other hand he found my pussy.
Slid a finger in and I slurped.
“That’s a very wet pussy” he said, his digits sliding in and out of me, faster and faster.
“You feel like you might be really tight”
I never know what the appropriate response is here. So I keep quiet.
Apart from the moans of course. it felt good.

Very soon I was sliding a condom over that huge member and sliding on top of him. It was a tight fit alright, something I haven’t felt for long time. It was also hard to move with such a beast inside me, I could have quite happily stayed put.
But his body writhed underneath me and I wriggled and there was finally some purchase there. Oh my that, was too good. I came quickly, probably within five minutes. But continued to ride him, well, who wouldn’t.

His hands were on my ass, my tits, everywhere. He bent his head up and licked my nipples. Then politely asked if I would lie down and he fuck me.

As he pounded into me and pulled my legs higher and higher I gazed into the mirror at his peachy ass. I was pretty squashed, he pulled up and out of me, inspecting the condom and adjusting it. I assumed he had come already.
He paused, then plunged into me again. And again. I couldn’t remember anyone ever using this technique on me. He really teased me, and I was going crazy.
“Play with your tits, I’m going to come” he shuddered.
He pushed his cock into my chest and we managed to put together a royal titfuck – him holding his cock between my breasts with the flat of his palm and me pushing my tits together.
He came in beautiful great white creamy globules right between my tits. Glorious.

New Year, New Dick: Part One

I was angry. Fuming. All I seemed to be getting lately was snubbed. So when I replied to his message in a rage I didn’t really expect to meet him.
But there he was. Right there facing the door. With a tie on. Smartly dressed and punctual. I was already impressed.
He was into big boobs. And I could deliver, in spades. We shared some anecdotes about dating and he questioned me on a few things. I’d flippantly said that giving an excellent blow job was all about the angle. He was intrigued to know more, of course. He’d boasted of having 8 thick inches – but don’t a lot of them? Don’t a lot lie about size and height?
I’m cynical, I know.
I shouldn’t be. He was a bit of a gent. Clean and nervous, judging from the way he kept biting his nails.
He needn’t have been. You can tell in the first minute whether you’re going to fuck someone and I had already decided. I think he had as well.


He insisted we get a cab, despite me living very close to the bar we’d met in. He told me he never travelled by bus. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not, I didn’t really care. I’d had a stressful day and I deserved this.

I gave him the guided tour, ending in the bedroom. He stood, back to the chest of drawers waiting for a cue.
“I suppose you want to see these” I teased, looking at my tits.
“Are they really 30F? I mean, I wouldn’t know how to check.”
Ah men.
He apologised that his hands were cold. It was actually a delicious thrill. He felt my tits outside of my dress. I felt my knickers moisten. I lifted the dress off and he pulled at the bra cups to take a look. I undid it and his hands were all over them, squeezing and pulling the nipples. My hands went around his waist and our hips clashed.
His body was slim but ripped, he had abs with incredible definition.

Now reader, I could already tell there was quite a lot in the trouser area but I didn’t want to rip my present open just yet. We kissed, but not very much. He was really into licking and sucking my boobs.
Finally his trousers were off and his dick hung to his left like well, I don’t know what. A shelf?
We rubbed against each other and I peeked inside his Calvins.
Lord above it was massive.
Definitely 8 inches.
He pulled it out for me to take a look.
“Fuck, that is one big dick”
He shrugged.
“Is it?”
“It is” I stated.
I hadn’t seen anything that huge for quite some time.