He’s got a fairly vanilla profile on the site, but his persistence pays off and despite thinking I’m more interested in another guy that week, he wins me over somehow. Oh yeah, the original guy disappeared. His politeness and keenness to meet overshadow any of the lacksadaisical interactions I’ve has recently. It really is a minefield out there.

Eventually, he confesses he wants a mommy domme, someone to control him. He wants to call me things I’m not cool with. He wants me to own his cock. He has a lingerie and fishnet fetish. Weirdly this is incredibly similar to the last guy and I’m a little triggered. Already he seems more obsessed with his pleasure than mine and we enjoy a few – let’s call them “sessions” over Whatsapp before we agree to meet. He thankfully awakens my libido which has been dormant for about three weeks.

The night before we’re due to meet, he asks if I want to control him. He sends me a link to an app, and after a lot of faffing around I’m connected to his vibrating cock ring. What an honour! This is new… and I guess exciting. A little weird, considering I’ve never met him, don’t really know him and have no experience of doing this but I’m diving straight in. I even tell my therapist about it. After all sh is the one that I suggest exercising my domme side.

I’ve had conversations with girlfriends over the past couple of months about sex clubs, Onlyfans, unreliable men and being paid to sext guys so I’m even more jaded than before. But this is spicy, uncharted territory.

The app isn’t immediately easy to figure out but there are three or four pulse settings with many beat variations or a touch feature with a fingerpad. It’s not clear what’s going on really. There is also a chat feature and he appears to be enjoying whatever I’m doing anyway despite me not knowing what I’m doing. I stop and start and stop again and almost laugh at his words: “Ughhhh” and “oh that feels good”. I ruminate on how frictionless this is – am I enjoying it enough? I mean, it’s sort of a turn-on, but I need one inside me too for it to be really effective. I rub myself on the screen and immediately feel stupid. It’s not really going to cut it for me. But it’s been fun. An experience, one for the sexy CV.

Friday comes and I select an outfit that I can walk in but has a reveal. i’m running late and message him. Oh wow, he’s bailed – half an hour before we are meant to meet. Feels ill. I feel quite ill and message the only back up I have – who also says he’s ill. I turn on my heels and pick up my other bag, going home instead of out. I’m not even that disappointed.

Next day he’s already messaged me to apologise and arrange coffee later. I select pretty much the same outfit and head to the gym. This time I have chance to do my hair.

When I come out of my class, I can hardly believe the message. Something about him having rolled his ankle, getting an emergency doctors appointment. And there are no more messages after that.