It’s rained all day. He’s grumpy. I’m grumpy. It’s my first day in a new job. I’m late arriving at his because my boss wanted to take me to the pub.

We get back to his after buying some small snacks. Always his! I let on I hadn’t eaten so he insisted I get something. He tells me to relax and eat while he gets on with some odd jobs and calls. When he sits down I leap onto him and kiss him which startles him, he thinks I’m going to bite him.

I realise he’s either nervous or busy to calm down. He chats about what he’s been up to, and bless him, asks how my day was.

Later he runs me a bath and I sink into the depths of it while he goes out on an errand next door. I do actually relax. I wonder if he’s going to come and join me but don’t want to hope for too much. I’m not even turned on and I’m pretty sure he isn’t either, he’s barely touched me.

I don’t know whether to get dressed again or get into bed. I decide to put my underwear on and wear my shirt dress as a robe. I go back down to see what he’s up to. It’s gone midnight and I am at work again tomorrow.

Finally we climb into bed together. He asks if he can spoon me and play with my boobs so I agree and take off my bra top. The warmth of him against my back is so delicious : coupled with his fingers caressing my nipples I’m actually in heaven. Being wanted, being held. These are simple things which are not regularly available to someone like me; someone who shuns relationships but falls in love with someone she meets on a swingers site.

I nuzzle into his chest and his arm enveloping me is everything I need. He asks me about my new job and I choke up. Tears roll down my face as I explain the pressure I’m feeling, the pressure of being alone and having to survive. I tell him about a project I’m working on and he tells me to come downstairs and take a look at something.

His house is always a tip, but there’s one room I’ve never seen. He pulls the door open and I gasp. There are about one hundred glass globe jars with acorn trees growing out of them: every surface is covered. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in a while.

We both shiver as we go back upstairs- we return to him spooning me again. His hands go down my pants and he plays with my clit for what feels like forever. He tells me he can’t get an erection but by this point I don’t care. A sleepover is enough, the warmth of his body is enough, his attention is enough – for now.

In the morning I shower and try not to wake him. He’s promised me a lift to the station but he’s dead to the world. I kiss him and say goodbye, leaving feeling disappointed again.