The Facilities Guy: 9 months on

I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s oddly chatty suddenly, has been looking for a new place to stay. I ask him if he needs my spare room – thinking that a lodger playing bills and fucking me is a good deal for both.

Sadly he finds somewhere closer to work but we arrange to fuck anyway.

It’s been a while but I’ve known him 3 years, probably my longest sex pal. He prowls in as usual, small talk about the house. And then he draws me into him like he always does.

This guy, the way we move together, is unlike anything I’ve ever had. He pushes me but is respectful. He challenges me to deep throat his beautiful Turkish cock, but can never actually handle it and then tells me to stop.

His eyes, the way he smells. Why is it always a rush? And why have I stopped being able to come with him?

His body has got looser with age even though he’s 10 years younger than me. I just keep looking at him and thinking how is this handsome guy fucking ME?

We take two rest breaks as it gets so hot – physically and mentally. He tells me he’s close and asks where to cum. I ask him to cum on my pussy and he obliges, but very quickly handing me tissues to clean up.

I contract a UTI a few days later. Don’t do it kids!


We’ve slept together a few times now, I know he’s active on the swinging scene and enjoys clubs. Last time he came over but forgot to get the equipment out of the car.

This visit I ask him to bring it in. He shows me the hogtie, it looks like an innocent collection of fabric, straps and metal. He tells me to undress completely and now I’m putty in his hands, a piece of meat.

As he fastens the Velcro around my wrists and ankles I feel myself get wetter. I’m pushed on the bed with wrists and ankles behind me fastened together. I’m gonna have to be careful not to lose my balance. He’s fingering me roughly with cold hands which I also have a kink for.

I had forgotten how much I liked being tied up and controlled. He grabs my tits and pinches them too hard. I’m simultaneously loving and hating it. He’s not going to give me his cock just yet. His fingers work my clit and I moan an awful lot.

He undresses now and I really want him inside me. A condom goes on and I almost dribble. I adore watching a guy expertly unroll and put one on. He teases and rubs it around my lips before plunging in. I collapse into a weird reverse crouch: being uncomfortable while he fucks me is my new jam. I can feel my wrists burning behind my back and one of my arms goes dead. It’s the biggest turn on I’ve had in ages – I’m actually unable to move and he has total control.

He can see I’m loving it. He nips my tits with his teeth and grins, grabbing my face with his hands.

Finally I can bear no more and ask him to take me out of the hogtie. I can barely speak and anyway he’s shoving his cock in my mouth so I can’t. He pumps his come down my throat while finger fucking my pussy, alternating with a few slaps.

For a few days after my wrists have tiny red dots like a rash. I don’t know it at the time but it’s actually the last time we meet – he’s now got a girlfriend. Lucky her.

2018: A Year in Review

Before you panic and think we’ve gone all serious, don’t worry. This is a SEXY year in review.

We’re been writing the blog now for five years. Some have been easier than others. Last year was particularly difficult to keep committed to writing due to a number of unconnected outside factors. We knuckled down as ever and spun tales of gold out of some dubious experiences. But we felt bad for you dear readers, we let you down.

We’re delighted to note that our Statscounter shows you’re still sticking with us, and after a dry summer of no sex our views and posts recovered to almost equal 2017.

But this isn’t why we’re writing; the blog has never been about likes, follows and viewing stats (although starting an Instagram page certainly enhanced things)

It’s always been about the sex. But it’s also intertwined with the number of people we’re having sex with.

We wanted to share some figures with you from the last few years. The number after the year is how many partners we had that year. Not number of f*&ks, but number of sexual partners.

2010-11 : 1

2012 : 2

2013: 10

2014: 9

2015: 16

2016: 9

2017: 19

2018: 10

You can see quite clearly that the blog starting in 2014 was a catalyst for more sex with more people. 2015 and 2017 perhaps the vintage years. 2017 was actually the most experimental too with four threesomes and many boundaries broken.

One thing we are really concerned about is the quality of the sex and the availability of men.

Let us explain.

In 90% of our experiences over the last year, the partner was either unable to stay erect, use a condom or even get hard. Outside of the bedroom even getting to that stage seemed harder with more and more men prolonging the arrangement to meet for weeks or even months.

Another worrying trend was the emergence of “kink” in the mainstream. For most of last year we experimented with dating apps – not for sex, for dates. With barely any success. Even on the most vanilla of apps – OK Cupid – we noticed “kinky” kept appearing more and more, so much so it actually became a turn off. On another seemingly vanilla app Hinge – we encountered an incredibly false dom seeking a sub. On POF we seemed to attract a guy hell bent on asking daily for pics of our asshole*

We also encountered some really dreadful specimens of male. Ones who asked us to lend them money (not for sex) before even meeting, ones who stood us up, ones who ghosted us even after arranging to meet. Most recently one who managed to insult us in the initial few texts.

Readers, are we alone? We’d love to hear your experiences too.

*no, of course we didn’t oblige.

Two guys one night

I’m more than a little tipsy. A friend is in town from Germany and I don’t want to follow him into town when I’m so close to my ends. I make my excuses and leave the party, not really realising until the air hits me how much I’ve drunk.

It seems to be a good idea to phone one of the guys in my little black book: he’s been messaging me, is at a club and wants me to join him. I check and there are no tickets left. Damn, that would have been a lot of fun.

I try another guy who I haven’t met yet. He leaps at the chance. I order a drink at the bar and wait for him to join. Except he doesn’t – he’s driving and can’t park. I swallow another drink down and run to meet his car.

Back at mine we smoke, sitting side by side. He tells me about his swinging experiences and I grab his leg. I love listening to other people’s stories. Soon we are upstairs and he’s biting my chest, nuzzling my neck and grabbing me in all the right places. He’s got both nipples pierced and as we roll around I enjoy tonguing the tiny silver hoops. He leaps enthusiastically between my legs and with an expert tongue slides up and down my lips while fingering my clit. He knows what he’s doing. We try a 69 but he can’t sustain it. He’s soon making up for it by fingering my pussy with quite a vigorous pace. Very quickly I’m riding his dick and coming. The shock of this impromptu encounter is quite something and I’ve surprised myself by my orgasm. I see him out, like the good hostess and I lie back down under the covers to keep warm.

An hour later, the first guy calls. His club is finished and he wants to come over. Asks if I mind if he brings cigarettes. Christ – can I really do this?

By now, I’m a little more sober. The lounge stinks of smoke, I light some incense and quickly wash. I can still smell cheap aftershave on me. More perfume. Make the bed. Hide the condom. Put different clothes on, this time I’m making no effort. What have I become?

X arrives, seemingly high as a kite. Shows me all the videos of his evening. Spills beer all over the floors (he did this last time too) We smoke together and he gets out his cock. It’s a good one and I smile as I tease him by just holding it as he squeezes my tits together and licks them.

In my bedroom we fall into the familiar routine, he ignores my cunt completely and I focus on inhaling his dick. I mean, I really do enjoy it but I’d love his lips on my pussy just once. I’m soaked anyway, ready to ride and he knows it. He saddles up and I climb on top of him. There is something about his dick that fits perfectly. He knows now not to hammer me into oblivion, but take it slow and sensual. It feels even better this time. We slowly grind hips together and he blows on my nipples to make them harden, licking them just to make sure.

We come together as he growls in my ear, asking if he can squirt inside me. It’s an odd phrase but it does the job, for now.

The Art Director again

So here he is after a few false starts. I can’t work him out and he can’t work me out. I decide a glass of wine and a chat before moving to the bedroom and he likes the idea. He sits on the sofa and I hand him a glass of red. Of course, he’s better looking than my rusty memory provides – it’s been over a month since he last came over.

A few pleasantries are exchanged and he asks me to sit next to him. I obey, like a good girl. I’m wearing stockings and suspenders just for him and I twirl so he can see before I plonk myself down. His hand goes on my knee and he moves mine to his crotch. His jeans are taught and I stroke gently, feeling him grow harder through the denim. It’s horny, especially as my other hand still has a glass of wine in it. But he speeds things up and unbuckles his belt – he can’t wait can he?

He pulls his jeans right down and pulls out his cock. Beautiful. I kneel between his legs and tease it with my lips and tongue. Red lipstick all over it.


Upstairs he completely undresses and lies on the bed. He still hasn’t touched me. We kiss and I’m on top of him, I pull aside my knickers and ask him to touch me. I’m soaked. I try sliding up and down his cock without penetration but he grabs a condom. Okay then!

I ride him with my knickers pulled aside. I’m still wearing my cowboy boots and it feels fucking sexy. But our rhythm is off, we don’t co-ordinate and soon he loses it.

I try and suck him with the condom on – it doesn’t work so he removes it. I go hard and deep on his dick and soon he’s hard again. Back I go to ride him. Again, we almost clash in rhythm.

And the insecurities set in – stuff like –

Why doesn’t he ever touch my pussy?

Why does he want to fuck me so quick without forplay?

Why do I like him so much?

Why can’t I come?

Why can’t I let go?

How long has he got?


He comes, rather triumphantly in my mouth. I don’t make a habit of this at all, but I seem to have done it twice in one week.

When I stop he makes no effort to finish me off. We lie and chat for ages and then we fuck again.

The sex isn’t as great as it was the first time – for some reason it doesn’t have any spark. But it’s definitely better than the second time and he seem to have got a better vibe, he’s laughing and joking.

Before he leaves he shows me a dickpic he’s quite proud of. He’s an art director of course, he would be.

As he’s searching I tell him no woman wants to see an angry veiny postbox of a penis and it makes him laugh. I tell him I actually like ones of flaccidity – or if erect definitely with a hand included gripping it. His one is sideways on, blurred background and quite beautiful and I tell him to send it to “”.

We also discuss just using an emoji if we are horny and want to fuck – he’s 10 minutes away for gods sake.

I look forward to receiving 😈 very soon.

The Enterprise Consultant again

Here I am, hurtling towards the west of the city again. He’s told me his room number and told me the champagne is on ice. I’ve had a terrible day and this seems to me like the best way to forget it.

This time his room is smaller – not as flashy or luxurious. We kiss and embrace and I wince a little. I don’t fancy him at all, but I can use him – right?

We quickly get our swimming gear and head down to the spa. This time the changing room is full and it dampens my excitement. I meet him in the warm pool and we head for the jacuzzi part, hoping to rekindle the excitement of last time.

But the power button isn’t working and it’s hard to fumble with each other in static water. We climb out and head for the steam room. It’s hot and sexy and we chat a little, touching each other. We head back into the pool and then back to his room.

I get him to open the champagne as I really need a drink. I guess I’m not as excited as last time when he teased me all day. I’m also at the tail end of my period so super conscious about how I might taste and feel.

As a result when he goes down on me I can’t come. But I do enjoy wrapping my legs around his neck and him burying his whole face into my most intimate parts.

And I enjoy going down on him. I’d forgotten he has a little fold of skin at the top of his penis, like an extra bit. I like feeling him hard in my mouth and him thrusting deeper down my throat. So much so that I want him inside me. I ride his cock and make him grab and lick my nipples which I love.

He comes almost straight away. We chat and drink champagne and tell each other secrets. It’s nice this bit. He’s already checked if I’m staying and nuzzles into my back saying he likes me to do that. I guess he’s lonely.

We turn each other on by talking about recent sexual experiences: the night before he’d gone to meet a couple in a dodgy hotel but the woman rejected him.

Soon he’s hard again and I take him in my mouth. He’s not too big and not too small so its easy to spend a lot of time with him in my mouth and very quickly he’s coming right down my throat.

The MySpace Star

Yeah. I’m about to fuck someone who is almost half my age. We’ve had phone sex, me for the first time in ages, and less willing but its fun. My god he knows exactly what to say as well. It’s like he’s lifted the words from my brain: “take my cock”. And we haven’t even met yet.

He lives about half an hour from me and has pushed for a Sunday morning meet. I’m horny as a devil and on my period so I’ve used my faithful friend the Flex and let him know. He’s cool as fuck.

I meet him in the local Starbucks for safety. I might be older than him but I play by my rules now. The queue is long and I giggle as I wait for him to collect me a Flat White. He sits opposite me and chats about his journey, his energy and keenness to meet me. I don’t even finish the coffee and take him back.

Upstairs we claw at each other and I kiss him with a hunger that surprises me. The last encounter I had was so disappointing I’m hoping for a lot more. His body is slight with hair in all the places I like – chest and stomach and beard. His eyes, goddamn his eyes are so intense.

I reach into his pants and feel his cock while he gets to work on my breasts. How is this boy so intuitive?

For some reason I’ve already decided I want to actually get into bed with him rather than fuck on top of it. Maybe its his age that makes me want to – its there like a glaring neon sign in the room HE’S YOUNGER THAN YOU but its also a massive turn on.

We climb into bed in just our underwear and he starts to kiss me again. Oh golly am I in heaven?

I feel like I almost don’t need to write anything else: just insert GIF’s of trains going into tunnels, waves crashing on a shore and champagne corks popping.

As I’ve mentioned previously I was despairing of the late 30’s male. The 35-38 year olds in particular who seemed to have no seduction skills, little idea of what to do with a woman’s body and come complete with drink and self esteem issues.

This guy breezes through them all, smashing all my preconceptions and making me come hard three times in a couple of hours. As soon as I ride his perfectly formed cock I’m gone within 5 minutes. He seems to know exactly how to nibble my breasts enough to send me over the edge. After deep-throating it a few times and him asking me to “take his cock” which for some reason hits all the buttons he fingers me with an intensity I’ve not felt before. He’s gentle, considerate and doesn’t make me do anything I don’t want to.

We lie chatting between rounds, he’s funny polite and totally open. He tells me he used to do drugs every weekend but is now clean, barely drinks and doesn’t even have coffee. And they say the youth is fucked – the absolute opposite dear friends.

Then he lets out the MySpace klaxon.

It’s too funny, all I can think of is “the readers will lap this up”.


As he pulls on his trousers and belts up I realise how skinny his legs are. He’s like a little indie kid, 20 years too late and my 28 year old self kicks my now old self. I’m very tempted to ask him to stay forever, but I can’t.

The Airbnb Host

He looks like Bradley Cooper. That’s all we can think of as we sit across from him with a drink. The eyes and the nose are exactly the same and they sparkle and flash as he tells me his filthiest experiences.

He’s wearing a shirt, possibly denim with chest hair poking out of the top. His shoulders are square and he looks buff, in shape. It’s all a little too good to be true. How old is he again? Thirty-something.

As we trip out to his flat, he asks me something about doms. I tell him I’m a switch and we high five. Is this for real?

We walk down the high road and turn off behind a Sainsbury’s. There’s a small entrance and a flight of stairs leading up. He unlocks a door and peers through the window. Nobody. His guests are still out.

He leads me into a kitchen lounge area , sort of 90’s vibe with a glass top table and a terrible generic print of boats in Thailand. I notice a state of the art hoover and ask if it’s any good. He tells me it’s stopped charging. And then I catch eyes on another one behind the sofa.

I ask for a glass of water and he hands it to me. And then kisses me. I’m pushed against the arm of the sofa and it feels nice to be wanted again.


We move to the bedroom. He’s got a full length mirror opposite the bed (oi oi) and the bed is a high one. I wrestle with my boots, he pulls my tights off and immediately goes to kiss and lick my pussy.

Is this for real? I notice another hoover in the corner – ah well at least he’s clean?

He slowly pulls down my knickers and I giggle. And off he goes. Except he doesn’t. I don’t really feel very much until his fingers start to open me up and my juices flow. He waggles his fingers inside me and I feel my juices flow, and writhe with pleasure. I reach down for his cock and take a lick. His pubic hair is soft and downy, his frame is actually tiny. He is very slim and small – how did I not notice this?

Soon he is pumping his entire groin into my mouth which is more than I bargained for. But totally hot.


He slips on a condom and we start to fuck. I’m not really sure what his technique is : let’s call it the hammer. He grits his teeth, okay imagine a small Bradley Cooper gritting his teeth, and pumps for England. I can’t get purchase – I can’t even really feel anything. Jesus.

And he’s popped out…but he can’t tell and keeps pumping. I’m beginning to wonder if all his Lothario stories are codswallop.

I flip him back inside and continue to try and make things work. Very soon I realise he ain’t hard at all.


This is the third guy in a month who’s had this trouble. Booze? Drugs? Me? It’s got me wondering. What happened to the guys who fuck all night. Is this an epidemic amongst 30 year old men? Should I be submitting this data for a study?

We lie side by side and I notice a printed A4 sheet on the wall:

1. headspace

2. Stretch

3. Floss

I ask what it is. He tells me it’s a reminder and that he’s not doing so well on any of them. I wonder what his recovery programme is for.


I try sucking him but it’s pointless. I hate the taste of a condom but I’ve got to show willing. We chat about this and that and after a while he’s hard again.

I mount him and ready myself to be in control this time. But he literally hammers me from below. It’s so wrong it’s almost right. I ask him if he finds it’s a turn on that his guests might come back while we’re in flagrante- he says no “you haven’t seen them”… so I don’t let on that I am hugely.

I’m also finding recently that my wonderful breasts are ignored. I hate to swing them into someone’s view on purpose but hey, shoot me – I did. He gets the clue and clutches them.

And again within about 5 minutes he’s lost it again.

This kid is blaming it on smoking 10 cigarettes 2 days previous.


As I pull on my tights, the front door clicks and he leaps up. I guess it’s bad timing as he now has to smuggle me out like a hooker. He whispers me to wait and goes to investigate.

I survey the items on his chest of drawers- a scouring pad, Glade and a bottle of Hendricks. Almost a serial killer.

He comes back in and beckons for me to follow him. I’m expecting him to leave me to get down the stairs myself but he’s walking with me back down the main road. I’m confused – are we carrying on at mine?

He walks me to the bus stop – 7 mins – and tell him not to wait. But wait he does. It’s freezing and I have nothing more to say.

I’m absolutely puzzled by this boy. So it’s a relief when the bus comes and I get on it.

The Enterprise Consultant

He meets me at the tube stop just in case I get lost which is a lovely gesture. I freak out when I see what I think is him, luckily it isn’t.

But, his photos are four years old and he aged since then. There’s a paunch but he has dressed up at least.

We grab a quick drink in the bar and he reminds me the spa closes at 9pm.


We’ve been teasing each other all day so by the time I remove my knickers and change them for the bikini they are wet. My whole crotch is throbbing. I go and pee and try not to look like a whore as I giggle in the mirror to myself.

I open the door to the spa and immediately my glasses steam up – I can’t see a thing. It’s like a damn sauna in there! I can see a woman in the “pool” which is quite small and he’s lying in a nook/bed type thing. I lose my specs and follow him into the pool.

There are jacuzzi jets , and metal bars formed to make a kind of bench in the water. I sit beside him and worry about my makeup sliding off my face in the heat, my hair frizzing up and what the fuck am I doing?

Very soon we are kissing, and I’m straddling him. I can feel his erect penis through his shorts and it gives me an immense rush. I become wanton, touching myself, touching him, devouring his mouth with mine. Another couple get in the pool so we calm down.

This is the craziest thing I’ve ever done but it’s so good I can’t stop. I love the water and being in it with someone who wants to fuck my brains out is too much. As I snog his face off I try and remember if I’ve ever fucked in the water and I come up with NO.

He grabs at one of my breasts in the bikini, I grab his dick through his shorts. I really want to fuck him, despite the fact he looks about ten years older and fatter than me.


Of course we can’t stay in there forever. He’s been a total gent and not even pulled my bikini off.

We slip back to his room on the same floor in our fluffy robes and he opens the door. It’s a huge room, champagne on ice. He’s made an effort.

I take off the bikini and he shows me where to hang it. We go over to the bed with our drinks and he parts my robe.

Oh yes he says.

I close my eyes and think of England.